Anxious Parents = Anxious Kids: Tips for Parents Coping with Anxiety.

By Sarah Trance, MS, LMFT

When you are a parent, worry is a given. Where are they?  How are they?  How do I handle this? Is this normal? Am I doing a good job? 

These questions are ever-present whether we are new parents or seasoned vets. They often come with feelings of anxiousness or uncertainty, which generally subside when we get validation and reassurance from a partner, friend, or even internet.

But, what if they don't?

In some cases, the anxiety and concern escalate and become destructive and distracting. Our emotions muddle our thinking, overwhelm us, and keep us from spending quality time with our children.

The anxiety can sometimes be so pronounced in parents that the children also start to feel the anxiety.  In fact, according to a study done by John Hopkins Children's Center and Dr. Tracey Marks, children with parents diagnosed with an anxiety disorder are seven times more likely to develop the disorder themselves. 

Common symptoms of anxious parents can include:

• Hovering/Helicopter parenting
• Over-questioning or shaming
• Rigidity and “no’s” around developmentally appropriate changes,
• Pressure for the child to make decisions or not allowing children to make decisions
• Over-sharing of adult issues

Too often the children are left to manage parental anxiety, which can affect confidence, self-esteem and decision-making— both academically and socially.

How do we manage or stop our anxiety so it doesn't affect our kids?

Managing our chronic anxiety is a step toward a balanced emotional well-being and a healthy parent/child relationship.  Here are some ideas to help you cope with parental anxiety:

• Eliminate guesswork. Understand and remember your children's developmental phases. Know what to expect from them and what they are capable of.  Check out Search Institute’s website for information on your child’s stage.
• Accept that you’ll make mistakes and that your children will make mistakes.  We are human and making mistakes is how we learn to do better.  Don’t be so hard on yourself! Children are resilient. (Watch this talk on failure from Sarah Blakely, the inventor of Spanx.)
• Talk to your partner about your concerns.  Let them know when you are worried and allow them to work through the feelings with you.  Understanding your weaknesses will allow them to step in and complement your style so the children feel less of the anxiety and more of parental support.
• Find a parenting network to vent, ask questions, and bounce ideas off.  This can come in the form of a parenting group, friends or professionals in your child’s school or daycare. To find a parenting group, check out https://groups.psychologytoday.com. 
• Keep them busy. It’s good for children to have structure and for parents to have a break.  Get your child involved in summer camps or activities.
• Learn your triggers. Unmanaged anxiety is difficult to contain and often comes out as explosive anger. Check out She's Gonna Blow for insight and relief. 
  
• Have a daily self check-in.  How was your day?  Are you anxious or grumpy?  What do you need in order to manage your mood and move forward?  Anxious feelings can affect our decision-making and behaviors toward our kids.  Give yourself time to be honest and real with what you may need.

 
Additional recommended reading:

For managing personal anxiousness:

To understand the neurobiology of parenting:

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