A Lifestyle Filled With Self-Compassion

By: Dr. Amanda Craig, Ph.D., LMFT
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I have something for you to feel better, slow down time and feel less stress.  Better yet, it is free, does not take much time at all, is available to all people, and has no negative side effects. What is it you ask???
​....Self Compassion.

We are used to giving compassion to others and being there for our friends and family. We tend to forget or don’t leave time to value the importance of providing ourselves with this same sensitivity.  Giving compassion means not criticizing and judging ourselves, but honoring our accomplishments and gifts we have today. We all deserve to give ourselves permission to be where we are and to get what we need.  

Self-compassion is a lifestyle that invites us to find joy, challenge ourselves, and grow.   Self-Compassion has three components:  First, we acknowledge when we are suffering.  So often, we don’t recognize our suffering and in turn criticize and judge ourselves for not being able to do more, be everywhere at once, be perfect, and not be able to  . . . etc.  To acknowledge our suffering is to open the door to possibilities.  I once had a client often complain of terrible migraines.  She’d have to miss work and stay home in bed for two days.  That was not the first sign that she was overwhelmed though.  That was her body finally hitting her over the head and saying: “We are overwhelmed”! This idea of practicing self-compassion would have allowed her to catch early signs of distress and intervene before the migraine emerged. 

Second, we offer kindness to ourselves. Again, instead of judging and criticizing we offer empathy and kindness.  We give ourselves permission to feel overwhelmed or anxious.  We offer kindness and understanding to ourselves by taking good care of our mind and body when we have a lot going on.  When my client would recover from a migraine she would look at what was going on in her life beforehand.  She recognized she was defeated at work by a boss who wouldn’t promote her. She wouldn’t talk about it with her husband so she was keeping it inside . . . building with other life stressors.  She would become irritated with herself for not holding it together better.  She lacked the kindness towards herself that she would offer her friends and family during times of distress. Eventually, the suffering emotions and criticizing thoughts would lead to a physical reaction.

And lastly, we recognize it is ok (kindness) to have these moments of distress or suffering (even failure), as it is part of the human experience.  Instead of beating ourselves up or pushing ourselves harder, we look at how we can comfort ourselves, meet some of our own needs, and ultimately . . . feel better!   This is an extremely important way we can honor ourselves.  Rather than waiting for the headache to emerge, my client learned to acknowledge her distress and go to bed early, leave work 30 minutes earlier to get a good dinner, share with her husband her distress, meet a friend for fun, or have some down time on the weekend.  Those actions were kind offerings to herself that also offered a lifestyle shift.  
    
You might be surprised at the body of research emerging on the concepts of self compassion and the benefits of it.  Dr. Kirsten Neff is at the University of Texas, Austin and has done extensive research on this area and has great exercises on her website to build your self-compassion. In addition, check out the self-compassion checklist which helps you measure how much self-compassion you have.   Check her out at:  www.self-compassion.org

So lets talk about how to find your self compassion!  Ohh, you question if this really would make a difference in your life?  You not alone!  Here are the reasons you and many others won’t and don’t want to do it:  

Myths about Self Compassion

Self compassion is self-pity or egocentric
Self compassion is self indulgent
Self criticism is an effective motivator
Self compassion is selfish
Self compassion will diminish motivation
Self compassion means I let myself off the hook| getting away with 
Self compassion is a weakness | feeling sorry for myself.
Self compassion may work for other people but its not what I need.
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While you may question if these three components are enough, they’re actually essential to making progress towards slowing down, feeling better and improving your lifestyle.   Here are some thoughts to get you thinking about how compassionate you are towards yourself. 

• When you make a mistake does your mind say “OOPS” or “wrong”!?
• Challenging yourself is different than running yourself ragged.
• Setting limits with what you are comfortable taking on.
• Saying NO even if it’s difficult
• Giving yourself time for yourself
• How do you know other people share similar highs and lows?
• Share your true self with others; take risk
• Compare similarities you have with others
• Belong to groups, studies, FB groups, etc.
• Service to others from a place of passion rather than a have to
• Anxiety, worry, exhausted, depressed, overwhelmed, happy, pride, joy,
• Shoulder tension, headaches, stomachaches, stiff neck
• What do you do with which emotions?

Want more? Go to http://self-compassion.org/self-compassion-scales-for-researchers and try out Dr. Niffs inventory to see how much self compassion you exhibit.

Lets do this together! Sign up for our 4 Email Self-Compassion Series below:  

​This is not something you master but something you add to the journey of life.  Join MMFT in making you a priority. ​