Can Letting Go of a Friendship Be an Act of Self-Care?

By Debra O'Donnell, LCSW, LMFT

Two years ago one of my best friends from graduate school found me on Facebook.  We had been out of touch for ten years. 

She’d moved across the country, married, had children, and had begun a new career.  We gradually lost contact.  I had no bad feelings and always remembered her with fond affection.

When she reached out after so many years, I was very happy.  I had hopes of picking up where we had left off, and it seemed we did just that.  Over the next two months we emailed daily and Skyped several times.  It felt warm and easy.  I was going to attend a conference near her town in the next month and we made plans to get together.  But somehow it never happened. And I still don’t know exactly why. 
 
Was it that she didn’t like me anymore?  Why?  What did I do to put her off?  What else was going on?  Although I reached out to her numerous times, I never heard from her again.  I see her on Facebook sometimes and it still hurts.  What hurts the most is not knowing what happened.

A romantic break up is painful but comprehensible, tolerated as an unwelcome fact of dating life.  But  losing a friend is destabilizing in a different way.  Aren’t friendships supposed to last?  Aren’t friends supposed to stick with us through thick and thin?  If not, what does BFF mean?
 
We are encouraged to end toxic relationships with lovers.  But sometimes a friendship can be toxic too.  Although friends can be perfect jewels, letting go of a friendship is sometimes a necessary act of self-care.  In my case, I was the one left.  But what if you are the one who wants to leave? 

Here are some ideas to think about before you decide and some ways to do so in a respectful and self-caring manner.
 
Before you do anything consider:

• How you originally became friends: in childhood? In college? A  common hobby? Work?
  
• Your current life situation:  have you moved?  Became a parent? Changed careers?
• Your friend’s life situation:  Is she caring for an elderly parent?
• Is she involved in a cause you may not believe in?
• Personal patterns:  have you ended friendships before?  Has anyone ended a friendship with you before?  Self awareness is important.
• Friendship phases:  Like romantic relationships, friendships go through phases.  Consider where you are in the life of your friendship. Have you outgrown it,  is it that it is simply in a quiet phase?
• Consider life afterward:  What will happen if you end the friendship? If it’s unclear, talk it over with someone objective whom you trust. 
  

What to do when you’ve decided to end a friendship.

• Avoid just slipping away without explanation.  This is a growth opportunity for you.  Being self righteous or deceptive is not a mature approach.  Take the high road.  You have the right to end a friendship that is not working for you.  Understand that this process is difficult. “Your Perfect Right” by Elberti and Emmons is a good book on assertiveness and standing up for your rights.
  

• When possible speak to her/him directly.  Share your feelings.  “I feel angry and sad that you have repeatedly cancelled our plans and avoided my efforts to talk about it.  Please understand that I can’t continue our friendship on these terms.”  Be concise.  Don’t get caught up in over-explaining or apologizing.  End things clearly. 

• If it isn’t possible for you to be direct, talk to someone you can trust to help you figure out why.  In the end do what you think is best for you, but understand your internal process.  Consider reading “When Friendships Hurts” by Jan Yager, PhD.

Afterwards:

• Allow yourself to grieve.  Even thought it was the right decision, ending a friendship is a painful loss.  “Necessary Losses” by Judith Viorst is a helpful book on expectations, meanings, endings and self- growth.

• Understand the meaning.  What happened? Why? What was your part?  How can I grow from this experience? 

• Nurture your present friendships.  Celebrate and honor your friends.  Put energy into to the people who enhance and affirm your growth your well being.

• Move on.  Give yourself time to mourn your loss.  But celebrate the here and now.  And stay open to the possibility for joy and love in present and future friendships. 

• Celebrate your courage and willingness to make a painful choice, but never give up on friendships altogether. Remember, they are jewels that help life shine. 
  

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