Ensure Resentment-free Marriage Before You Say 'I do'

By Sarah Trance, LMFT

February is a month for love, romanticism, snuggling in the cold and, most popularly, engagements. 

As winter begins and the holidays approach, it's hard to check a social media page without seeing a new, shiny ring on a manicured hand. It's a reminder that love and commitment are all around us.

With engagements come the celebrations with friends, happy FaceTime dates with relatives out of the area, wedding venue selections, guest lists and most of all, expectations. The last part is what couples often look passed.

We all have our own way of seeing the world and relationships within it. We learn how to be connected romantically from our parents, other relatives and even movies or media. So often, couples neglect to discuss what they've learned, hoped for, and their expectations for what they want their marriage to look like. 
 
Why does that matter? Why should we discuss our expectations, vision, and dreams with one another?

Unmet expectations = resentments + discord. Tweet this.

re are some key expectations and key areas for newly engaged couples to discuss:

Finances:

• How do you manage/organize/pay all of your monthly expenses?
• How do you expect to share and divide our incomes as a couple?
• What are you thoughts on savings, retirement and investment (both monetary and asset)?
• What is your theory on debt/credit and what is your credit score?

Sex:

• How satisfied are we with our current sex life?
• Are there any issues of contention we have been avoiding?
• Do we have similar levels of desire? If not, how have we addressed this?
• Is there anything we want to try or change and how do we talk about it?

 
Family Planning:

• How involved are we with current family members?
• Do we want our own family?
• How do we define family for ourselves?
• How do we support extended family members in times of need?

 
Self-care:

• How do we divide our time?
• Is there a balance between couple, social and individual needs?
• How much time is expected to be put toward family and child-rearing?
• How do I take care of myself and how can I tell you what I need for me?

 
There are so many exciting things to think, dream and wonder about. The most productive thing that a couple can do is bring these thoughts out in the open. Not only can this help to create a solid marital foundation, but it's good to revisit these expectations throughout the years.

As marriages develop and grow, so do people. We change and the more we can discuss needs/expectations, the better able we are to live with contentment.

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Want to learn more about each other?  Consider PREPARE/ENRICH, a premarital inventory and counseling program that's perfectly suited for busy New York City couples. 

The PREPARE/ENRICH is designed to assist couples in exploring strengths, growth areas, hopes and expectations. 

Clients are able to develop a more balanced relationship and prepare for their future by enhancing their ability to manage stress and resolve conflict.  This program works in conjunction with systemic training to enrich current relationships and to help couples in working through unresolved dynamics.

The program can be administered with individual couples in our Midtown Manhattan office or in a group setting through churches and community organizations throughout New York's five boroughs: Manhattan, Queens, Brooklyn, Staten Island and Bronx.

For more information, please contact us at 917-510-6422 or info@ManhattanMFT.com.

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