Great First Holiday Together: A Guide to Creating Conflict-free Joyful Celebrations

Download our Printable Worksheet!

By Kimberly Kuskovsky, M.A., MFT

The holidays can be a challenging time of year for couples, especially those celebrating together for the first time or as newlyweds. 
 
Conflict can arise between partners when we aren’t mindful of our own expectations and hopes, when our expectations are in conflict with our partner’s, and when pressure (from yourself and others) results in anxiety and worry.

Here is what you can do to ensure a smooth joining of holiday traditions, conflict and stress-free celebration of the season, and a joy-filled time with your love.

Mind Your Feelings

First, it is important to understand and be mindful of your own feelings, expectations, and hopes.  Does the holiday season bring you cheer and celebration or does is evoke dread and anxiety?  Are you in a happy mood around this time or do you find yourself feeling stressed, sad or angry?  The feelings that come up for us around the holidays can often become the fuel for arguments between with our significant others. 
 
For example, the holidays for Julie are filled with sadness and mourning as her mother passed away around Christmas time.  Julie is spending Christmas with her boyfriend Paul’s family.  She feels the pressure to “put on a happy face”, and, although she wants to, she can’t shake the sadness. She then picks a fight with him because she is angry about feeling isolated in her sadness, misunderstood, and pressured to act disingenuous. 
 
However, if Julie had been mindful of her feelings, she would be able to separate the sadness and anger about not having her mother there from her boyfriend wanting to spend time and enjoy the holidays with her.  She would be able to understand that part of the anger may be that she feels the loss around her Holiday traditions, the way that Christmas was celebrated with her mother and is now directing it to her boyfriend.

Communicate With Your Partner

Once you are connected to your own feelings and expectations around the holidays, it is important to communicate with your partner. Some questions to ask each other:
 

• What feelings come up for you during the holidays? Excited, energetic, overwhelmed, sadness, grief?

 

• When you are feeling that way, how do you manage the feelings?  Do you lash out in anger and frustration, check out, isolate or else?

 

• How can I (as your partner) validate your feelings and support you?

 
These conversations are important to have BEFORE the holidays begin.  They are essential to preempting misunderstandings, disagreements and blowouts as they will shine the light on our triggers and coping mechanisms, and help us separate the people from the problems.

Create joint traditions

There is no right or wrong way to celebrate. But chances are that your family-of-origin holiday traditions are different. Embracing another way of celebrating can feel like abandoning your family and denigrating your most treasured memories.
 
While the behavior may seem silly once we are conscious of it, many of us will fight about when the holiday dinner should be served, what constitutes a holiday meal, how and when the presents are opened, etc. Those fights aren’t really about turkey vs. ham or 4pm dinner vs. 1pm brunch. They are about our connection to our past, our roots.
 
So, how do we marry two sets of rituals and traditions? How do we continue upholding what we treasure most while affording our partner the same? We begin by talking, asking each other questions, getting our expectations and wishes out in the open.
 
Some questions to ask each other to get you started:

• What are your holiday traditions from childhood?
• What was your experience of the holidays growing up?
• Which traditions or rituals did you enjoy/dislike most?  What would you want to keep/let go of?
• What does a Christmas/Hanukkah/Thanksgiving/etc. dinner or celebration look like for you?
• What are your holiday stresses? Spending too much money? Overextending your time?

 
These simple, yet often overlooked questions can help you get to know your partner better, create connection, foster greater intimacy, prevent resentments and conflict.

Be sure to download a printable worksheet below!

Make a Joint Plan
 
Once you have a heart-to-heart with your partner, it’s time to make a plan.
 

• What would ideal holiday look like for each of you?
• What holiday activities and rituals are most important to you and your partner? Least important? Pick top three and seek to incorporate them into your new joint celebration. (Don’t worry, you can change things up or add more rituals next year—this is the foundation.)
• What excites you and what concerns you about the holidays? Keep this in mind when agreeing to an activity and be honest with your partner when making plans.
• What’s on your ‘yes’ and ‘no’ holiday lists? These can be as simple as ‘no eggnog’ (not a cause for divorce!) or as complex as you need them to be. Honesty with yourself and your partner is what counts here.
• How can each of you honor your family-of-origin tradition in a way that includes your partner?

 
Remember Julie and Paul?  Paul and Julie have an opportunity to let his family in on how Julie experiences this holiday and include them in a new ritual that honors Julie’s  mom’s legacy.
 
They could let Paul’s parents and siblings know what it feels like for Julie and try to incorporate some of her traditions into their celebration.  This could look like having Julie’s mom’s signature dish prepared for a holiday meal or adding some of her ornaments to their tree.  It could also be allowing Julie to say a prayer for her mother or share a memorable story about her mother to Paul and his family on Christmas morning.

Pro Tips

• Pick an annual theme to test-drive different rituals.

• Most holiday activities fall into these categories: Fun, Spiritual, Togetherness and Celebration Rituals. Consider each category when making plans.

• Conflict often can arise around family expectations and obligations, so it's important to inform your families ahead of time of your plans, especially if they include a departure from your usual holiday routine.  Informing your family early on allows everyone time to adjust to the changes. Ask your family to join you in the new plans to make sure they feel included in your new ‘partnered’ life. 
  

We wish you a great Holiday Season! May it bring you Joy, Laughter, Comfort and Spiritual Fulfillment!

---

Stay in the know! Get our blogs delivered to your inbox!

---

Download the Great First Holiday Together Worksheet!