Manhattan Marriage and Family Therapy, PLLC
  • Home
  • NYC Therapists
    • NYC Therapists >
      • Angie Sadhu
      • Whitley Louvier
      • Megan Hernandez
      • Hannah Kang
  • CT Office
    • Amanda Craig, PhD Therapist
    • MMFT CT Partners >
      • Andre Burey, MD
      • Marybeth Jordan, LCSW
      • Ashlyn Campbell, LMB, FSC
      • Antonio Reale, ND, MS
      • Karen Hand, M.Ac., LA.c
    • MMFT CT Events
  • Services
    • About Therapy
    • Individual Therapy
    • Couples Therapy
    • Family Therapy
    • Premarital Counseling
  • Therapists Corner
    • Clinical Supervision
    • Clinical Blog
    • Professional Resources
    • Practice Toolkit
    • WORK WITH US
    • Internship News
  • Special Projects
    • Stand in Solidarity
    • COVID-19
    • Tween Mental Health
    • Breast Cancer Awareness Month
    • Recovery Awareness Month
    • Earth Month
    • Store
  • Workshops
    • Emotional Connection in the Family
    • Men and Depression
    • Living Your Best Self
    • Parenting Fireflies: the wonderful years of tweens
    • Life Work Harmony
  • Blog
  • FAQs
  • LIBRARY
  • Contact
  • Home
  • NYC Therapists
    • NYC Therapists >
      • Angie Sadhu
      • Whitley Louvier
      • Megan Hernandez
      • Hannah Kang
  • CT Office
    • Amanda Craig, PhD Therapist
    • MMFT CT Partners >
      • Andre Burey, MD
      • Marybeth Jordan, LCSW
      • Ashlyn Campbell, LMB, FSC
      • Antonio Reale, ND, MS
      • Karen Hand, M.Ac., LA.c
    • MMFT CT Events
  • Services
    • About Therapy
    • Individual Therapy
    • Couples Therapy
    • Family Therapy
    • Premarital Counseling
  • Therapists Corner
    • Clinical Supervision
    • Clinical Blog
    • Professional Resources
    • Practice Toolkit
    • WORK WITH US
    • Internship News
  • Special Projects
    • Stand in Solidarity
    • COVID-19
    • Tween Mental Health
    • Breast Cancer Awareness Month
    • Recovery Awareness Month
    • Earth Month
    • Store
  • Workshops
    • Emotional Connection in the Family
    • Men and Depression
    • Living Your Best Self
    • Parenting Fireflies: the wonderful years of tweens
    • Life Work Harmony
  • Blog
  • FAQs
  • LIBRARY
  • Contact

BLOG

Has Your Monogamous Relationship Become Monotonous?

2/11/2016

 
Has your monogamous relationship become monotonous? www.ManhattanMFT.com
By Rita Garcia, LMFT

Do you remember what your relationship was like in the beginning?  No doubt it felt euphoric, you felt moonstruck, and both of you experienced exciting sexual passion. 

This is common for many relationships when they begin, and it’s referred to as the Romantic Stage.


Unfortunately, when this stage ends, usually after 3 to 6 months, many couples are left feeling the magic is gone.  A relationship that once seemed so intense now seems mundane.  But established monogamy may still provide a feeling of comfort and security, and partners may believe it is normal to exchange that spark for stability.  A type of joint complacency. 
I believe couples can have both, and they should never feel it’s fair for familiarity to justify their frustration from monogamy.  What better time to start this new chapter in the relationship than on Valentine’s Day. 

The Romantic Stage
 
The Romantic Stage is intended to emotionally and physically bond two people, and sets them in the direction of building a relationship.  It should be regarded as a temporary stepping stone with the hope of a meaningful and sensual future. 

Like a bird about to launch, couples have the chance to fly to new heights and experience new discoveries together.  However, when the Romantic Stage is regarded as the expectation instead of the starting point, partners risk being propelled into monotony. 

The Romantic Stage must transform into Romance. 
 
Patricia Love, Ed.D. (the author of “Hot Monogamy”) defines Romance as, “The ongoing expression of love between two people.” 
Picture

Romance comes from the way you demonstrate your love to your partner through conscious efforts. Tweet this.


See Pat love talk about sex and monogamy below.

Often the idea of conscious effort to strengthen a relationship can be interpreted as constant work.  I’ve had clients say, “I don’t think a relationship should be this hard, I could be with the wrong person.” 

The truth is: monogamy is work. It may not seem easy, but it will be worth it. 
 
In session, I try to teach couples that they are not trying to get back to the Romantic Stage, but they must move forward towards new experiences in Romance. 

My goal is to help couples address their sexual needs as well as their emotional needs.  Below are some techniques that I have used that have been effective.

Romance through Date Nights

Picture
This is a well known tool, but there is an important structure that should be included to help  build the romance and excitement. 
 
Rule 1: There should be a Host and a Guest for each date night. 
 
The Host is in charge of creating the date. 

  • If the date is outside the home the Host is responsible for choosing the venue or activity; making reservations, deciding the type of food, if they’re going to a museum then what museum, how do you get there, etc. 
  • If the date is at home the Host should make decisions on food and ambiance;  order-in food or pick it up, decide where the food comes from, decide on candles or music, choose  a movie you can both cuddle up to watch, etc.  

The most important thing to remember as the Host is that you are making all these decisions based on the likes and dislikes of the Guest.  The food or dessert should come from a restaurant the Guest likes, or the ambiance created should be what you know the Guest wants.  The Host is expected to use their knowledge of the Guest to tailor the date.
 
Guests also have their role to play in date nights, which is equally important. 

  • The Guest must go along with whatever is planned by the Host.  This is meant to reduce pressure the Host may feel in getting the date just right. 
  • The Guest should not know or try to find out what is being planning for the date.  The element of surprise is meant to create a feeling of excitement.   
 
Hosts report feeling elated having planned something special for the Guest, and describe feelings of appreciation when they see that the Guest has enjoyed the date.  The Guest feels their partner is attuned to them when they see how well thought-out the date is. 

Guests and Hosts will take turns for each date, so that each partner gets their turn to give and receive.
Rule 2: Date Nights should be scheduled. 
 
Finding time on your schedule and committing to this time assures each partner feels they are special and a priority.  Scheduling is especially important for couples with young children who need to prepare by finding a babysitter or finding a free night. 

Couples can plan date nights around their schedule.  Some couples are able to do it every week, some once a month.  The goal is consistency, not frequency. 
 
Rule 3: Add a sensual element to the Date Nights. 

 
Partners can agree for the date night to be a sensual date night. 

  • The Host can decide to include a 30 minute warm shower together that can include caressing and holding.
  • The Host can blindfold the Guest and feed them different foods with different textures and pleasing aromas. 
  • The Host can give the Guest a 30 minute massage using oils, candles and music. 
 
I had a couple that combined their date night with sensual date night.  The couple enjoyed cuddling in bed naked for 30 minutes; holding each other and nuzzling.  Afterwards the Host blindfolded the Guest and fed her her favorite dessert.  The couple described the night as loving and exciting.
Picture

The truth is: monogamy is work. It may not seem easy, but it will be worth it. Tweet this.

Passion through Lovemaking Styles

Picture
The psycho-education I provide to clients helps them to diversify their sex.  Couples sometimes try to add variety to their lovemaking by trying out novel positions or seeking out unusual environments for sex.  I discuss lovemaking styles with couples and focus on ways they can vary the amount of time and effort.  There are three styles of lovemaking that can be appropriate at different times and meet different sexual needs.
 
The Quickie:
 
Often termed “the Quickie,” as the name suggests, this style is quick and not too involved.  It’s ideal if only one of you is aroused, if you want to alleviate physical tension, if the hour is late, or if there is limited time for foreplay (perhaps because of children or a hectic work schedule).  It’s a spontaneous way to be sexual, especially if it has to be a secret encounter (in the closet or the bathroom) because there may be young children in the home.  Couples report feeling the covert element added to the passion in the relationship. 
 
The Sprint:
 
This style requires a bit more time and usually the focus of both partners is for both to reach orgasm.  This is the style most couples report using, but it should never be the only style used. 
 
This lovemaking style takes more time (sometimes fifteen to thirty minutes) which means there can be time for foreplay.  Because it is not meant to be rushed, couples can get comfortable and cozy, preferring to do it on a weekend morning or at the end of the work evening.  If the goal for both partners is to climax, then couples can include discussing sexual needs or advising their partner where they want to be touched so they reach orgasm. 
 
The Marathon:

 
This style is intended to be more relaxed and prolonged.  An orgasm can be part of it, but there should be leisurely caressing, cuddling and exploration of erogenous zones.  Couples may jointly want to set the environment by adding music, candles or dressing up in lingerie or role play outfits.  Because this style is meant to take more time, couples may incorporate it by scheduling it in advance. 
 
I encourage couples to name the styles so they can clearly convey to their partners their sexual needs when they are feeling aroused.  Taking advantage of these lovemaking styles helps couples add variety to their sex life rather than feeling they have settled into one style.
 
All of these techniques are tools to help monogamous couples create lifelong romance.  The goal is to find ways to say “I love you” to your partner.  What helps to maintain the romance is when both partners develop these tools together.
 
It is important to note,  and not uncommon, that there are instances where couples experience more complicated problems that affect the development of romance.  This can include pain during intercourse, low sexual desire, or poor communication of erotic fantasies.  The latter usually indicates a deeper problem of emotional expression in the relationship. 

These issues do not mean romance is not possible, and seeking guidance from a Sex Therapist or Marriage and Family Therapist is the best course.  Couples should always feel they have options to enhance their monogamous relationship. 

Sign up for our monthly e-mails and never miss a fresh blog post again!


Comments are closed.

    Categories

    All
    Abby Crews
    ADHD
    AEDP
    Amanda Craig
    Amelia Flynn
    Angie Sadhu
    Anxiety
    Back To School
    Breast Cancer
    Brenda Nicholls
    Cliff Shuman
    Coronavirus
    Couples
    COVID 19
    COVID-19
    Dads
    Daughters
    Debra O'Donnell
    Depression
    Divorce
    Earth Love
    Eating Disorders
    Education
    Emotion
    Family
    Fear
    Holidays
    Hope
    Jenna Hendricksen
    Keith Dixon
    Kimberly Kuskovsky
    Life Harmony
    Michelle Woodward
    Parenting
    Personal Growth
    Premarital
    Romance
    Sarah Trance
    Self Care
    Self Compassion
    Sex
    Singles
    Stand In Solidarity
    Stress Management
    Telehealth

    Archives

    December 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    January 2022
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    October 2020
    June 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    June 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015

    RSS Feed

Manhattan Marriage and Family Therapy, PLLC
Downtown Darien, 1051 Boston Post Road Suite 1, Darien, CT 06820
917-510-6422 | info@manhattanMFT.com

© COPYRIGHT 2015. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.