Mindfully Navigating the Online Dating Scene in Your 30s

By: Angie Sadhu, MS LMFT

It is well researched that as human beings we are biologically wired for emotional connection, and that “Emotion is the messenger of love; it is the vehicle that carries every signal from one brimming heart to another. For human beings, feeling deeply is synonymous with being alive” (Lewis et al., 2000, p. 37). Simply put, we need social connections to live well—to love and to be loved. The dating
                                                                                 ritual is one way in which we strive to
                                                                             meet partners and develop relationships
                                                                             to fill the desire for intimacy and love.

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For those of us who are in our mid to late 30s and 40s, we can probably recall a time of meeting potential dates face-to-face within our social circles such as schools, churches, neighborhood bars and hobbies/interest clubs. Or, even on the subway and bus. However, things have changed since the late 90s and early 2000s. It’s the digital age and the norm is dating apps.

A quick search on Google yields many different dating apps and tips for having successful online dating experiences. In making sense of all the information and talking to fellow thirty something year old, a few key insights emerged that could be helpful in navigating the online dating scene and for developing meaningful and fulfilling relationships.

Quality vs. Quantity
In your 30s, you are not quite the same person you were in your 20s. You have grown, acquired life experiences, established a clearer sense of yourself, and developed a better idea of what a good relationship means to you. Similarly, your likes/dislikes, expectations, deal breakers, and the qualities you appreciate in a partner may have evolved over the years. Therefore, the quality of the relationship may matter in your 30s more than quantity. For example, in your 20s, deal breakers tend to surround minor things such as taste in music/hobbies and simple annoyances.

Things change in your 30s and more significant deal breakers are identified. Conversations about marriage, children, home ownership, religion, and career are to be expected earlier on in the dating experience. As a result, you may to want to be mindful and date someone who shares similar life goals as you. You may also know sooner if it’s a good fit.

Because online dating gives you more options, the quantity of choices can be overwhelming. To help you sift-through the plethora of options:

• Know yourself!  Know what healthy and unhealthy patterns you gravitate towards in relationships and why.  This understanding will help you identify the right relationships for the right reasons.
• Be honest with yourself in terms of what you can reasonably tolerate and what you want to experience in a relationship.  Don’t settle. 
• Apply the same standards you use in real life to evaluate a potential partner. Follow your intuition to make selections base on the qualities in a partner you appreciate such as: character, work ethic, values around finances and family, rather than the more superficial deal breakers.

Creating a Connection
Regardless whether you met online or the old fashion way, the key to creating a genuine connection with someone is to be yourself and let them be themself.  It is easy to start trying to change someone into what you think they should be.  We want to be able to see how the person authentically is, because that is who they will be inevitably. 
Second, an important question to ask yourself is “how do you emotionally connect with someone?” In his book The 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman outlines five ways we show love and connect with others. They are:  through small gifts, spending time together, offering positive affirmations, touch, and doing acts of service.  Keeping these in mind help you think about how you feel connected to someone as well as think about how they feel connected to you.  Having an understanding allows you both to express your connection in a way that will be pleasantly interpreted by one another.
Because life gets busier as you get older, you have little time for “games.” Therefore, in your 30s, it not necessary to adhere to old dating rules. A more direct approach can help you with establishing a connection. For instance:

• If you want to ask someone out, just do it. On the other hand, if you want to stop seeing someone, be upfront and tell that person gently right away. Being assertive with your needs and boundaries will help you establish a healthy connection early on in a dating relationship that can transcend into a healthy long-term relationship. 
• Don’t be afraid to walk away if something is not working. You are no longer in your 20s when time was on your side, so no need to keep trying to make something work; you may just end up wasting both of your time. Yes, it will hurt and yes, there is the fear of being alone, but that will pass and is far better an experience than staying in the wrong relationship.  And, if things are going well, try not to overthink them too much or get scared and run away—let things keep working and enjoy the experience.
  
  

Embrace the Journey and Stay Open to Possibilities
Meeting potential dates and friends in your 30s can be tough, because you pretty much have settled into a lifestyle. Nevertheless, there are opportunities for fun and play along the journey. For example:

• Be open to the possibility of dating someone who is not necessarily your type, or meeting a new friend can allow you to have a bit more flexibility with your options. You may find that you enjoy exploring and trying new things, as well as meeting some interesting people. 
• Allow yourself to take pauses along the way. The key is to pace yourself and not overdo it. Take a break occasionally, especially if you had a string of bad dates or if the online dating scene is not clicking for you. This is a good way to stay true to who you are.  
• If online dating seems like not for you, instead of simply writing it off, supplement it with real life experiences. Go to places with like-minded people, hang out with friends, and ask them if they can introduce you to someone—the old fashion set-ups and blind dates can still work. This way, you are expanding your social circle and have multiple forums for connecting with different people.
  
  

Whether you are returning to the dating scene after a long-term relationship or just simply have not found the right person, dating in your 30s and 40s, especially in a digital world, is a different experience than in your 20s. There may be an adjustment period, as you do some shifting in your thinking. You may have some missteps before you get the hang of the things, and you may learn and discover things about yourself. So, embrace this time of being single, and do the things and go to the places you enjoy. By so doing, you are creating your own happiness, and you will be more ready for the right relationship. This journey can be whenever you want it to be. Lean in and make it your own!
 
References
Lewis, T., Amini, F., & Lannon, R. (2000). A General Theory of Love. New York, NY: Vintage Books
Chapman, G. (1992).  The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Last. Chicago, IL: Northfield Publishing