The screens against parents battle

By: Amanda Craig, PhD, LMFT​

The biggest question I hear from parents of tween is: how do parents monitor screen time? I will say, when parents micromanage the amount of screen time and the content only, the relationship suffers. Tweens are frustrated with what feels like constant under attack while parents are fearful of the content and time spent and frustrated with the tweens inability to control their screen usage. It’s a recipe for disaster. 
 
Instead, I encourage parents to follow these four tips which lead to less screen time, better parental control and honors the relationship between parent and tween. 

1. It is not the job of a parent to be entertainment, but it is the job of a parent to provide family time.In that context, when we spend time doing an activity our kid likes such as throw a ball or bake some cookies we are bonding and reducing screen time.  
   
   
2. Sometimes we all want to be on our screens. Let’s do it together. Instead of a tween hiding their use, we can sit together, hang out and be on our screens. Yes, I said it! I will be on Facebook and my son will be on TikTok. I am showing him things I see on FB he might get a kick out of, and he shows me, or I am in ear shot of what he is watching. We are creating a safe place to be on screens. Sometimes he texts me TikTok videos which give me a sense of what he is watching too. And let’s face it, screens are here to stay so we have to create healthy screen time practices. 
   
   
3. We do set parameters. No screens at the dinner table (All family members are included in this parameter). Phones are turned into the charging station at 8. Weekend screen time between x and x or never between x and x. I’m not a fan of mid-day screens. It’s like when we used to watch Saturday morning cartoons. So sure, have some screen time and then get after it for a while.  These are consistent parameters that are made not as angry impulses when we are fed up but set during times of calmness. Extra points for the parent tween bond if their tween can bring something to the table with regards to setting the parameters.  
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4. Parents, watch what you are modeling with your screen time. Truth is, there are times when I forget to send an email and jump on my phone or want to veg out after dinner to a little Facebook. When we say one thing and do another our tweens notice. Be mindful. Have parameters for yourself as well. For instance, when I come home from work my phone stays in the foyer in my work bag for at least an hour. It’s time for me to connect after a long day with my kids. All else can wait. 

 
Ultimately screens don’t have to be the enemy our gut says they are. Look at them as just the “invention” vying for the current generation of kids attention.  Like the TV was for our parents, like MTV was for us growing up. Rather than micromanaging the screens join them in their moments-be it on TikTok, playing in the backyard or watching a movie or a show together on the big screen. Let go of the times when they are using screens as downtime in a busy life and avoid getting caught in the screens against parents battle. Because we know who wins that war in the end!

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